Malaise Error

"deprecated account" (savethei4s)
11/28/2015 at 21:26 • Filed to: Cadillac Eldorado, Doug DeMuro

I always loved the ‘76 Eldo. There was just something about it. It was the ideal personal luxury vehicle for the discerning businessman. Well, I wasn’t a businessman. I was an amateur racer. I live and breathe amateur motorsports. Autocross, rallycross, time attack, track day - you name it, I’ll kick your ass in it. The Eldorado was created by my internal conflict of interests. You see, I also live and breathe old land yachts. Obviously, the two don’t mix very well, my Eldo being the exception. It started off as a babied ‘76 hardtop finished in a color reminiscent of champagne. It didn’t stay that way for long.

Over six long months, I put the whale of a car on a crash diet. I rebodied it entirely in carbon fiber, gave it boxed fenders, replaced the opera windows with plexiglas, stripped the interior, and rebuilt the massive 500 cubic-inch V8 around an aluminum block. It sort of snowballed from there. To give it some power, I gave it the compression ratio of a cyclist’s ball sack, as well as a sequential twin-turbo setup and EFI. Then came the Haldex AWD system, the ZF dual-clutch 6-speed ‘box, and the Öhlins adjustable suspension.

The barcaloungers were replaced with Recaros and the backseat was replaced with structural braces. The massive trunk allowed for a gargantuan fuel cell that had allowed me to win some endurance races. The carbon fiber was given a matte clear coat and titanium curb feelers were fitted. Right behind them were the three-inch side exhaust exits. It looked like death in your rearview, and it went like a stabbed rat.

As I pulled into the paddock at Laguna Seca, I could see some of the other drivers snickering, but they dove for cover when I laid into the throttle. Nothing to tell someone off like 8.2 liters of snarling V8. It was going to be a fairly straightforward time attack today, but the competition was looking strong.

There was a Subaru 22B with the flat-six from a 911 Turbo S, a quad-rotor Miata, and even a familiar-looking silver Skyline R32. In fact, I knew I had seen it before in many a YouTube video. It had been significantly modified since then, though. The canards, splitter, and massive rear wing ought to have kept it planted at high speed. The fenders were now massively flared, and a roll cage had been installed. The driver, though, was nowhere to be seen.

The other drivers said he always wore a race suit and never talked. Some of them said that the suit covered up horrendous full body burns; others said he was actually an android, and still others said that he was the grandson of Colin Chapman’s gay lover. I knew that only the third was true because I knew exactly who he was: Douglas DeMuro. Good ole Douggy D. Clearly, either he had been bitten by the GT-R bug and bought another one, or he had never actually ever sold his first one. I searched for the man to no avail until about five minutes before race time. Indeed, he didn’t talk. He simply got in the GT-R and rocketed towards the Andretti hairpin.

I started in the middle of the pack, but ten laps later, my only obstacle was Doug. Lap after lap, I inched closer to him. I stopped caring about lap times and focused on passing Doug. After awhile, I looked in the mirror to see if anyone was close to overtaking me, but I realized that it had been a long time since everyone else had called it a day and gone home. It was just Doug, me, Laguna Seca.

For what seemed like hours, we drove around and around. I was constantly gaining, but I just couldn’t seem to catch him. The Eldo was posting 1:35s. It shouldn’t have been that hard to catch him. After what seemed like an eternity, the front right curb feeler hit his right rear quarter panel. It was almost over! Two more laps and we were neck and neck. I noticed a lot of motion in my peripheral, so I glanced over. It was indeed Doug. He had taken his helmet off and was flailing his arms wildly. Suddenly, I saw the problem. He had been in the left seat of a right-hand drive car the whole time. How was this happening?!? Had the pre-PlayStation Nissan somehow become self-aware?

I inched closer to passing him, but this only made him gesticulate more frantically. He seemed to be mimicking some sort of explosion with his hands. Had he connected the EGR to the cabin air supply and gone crazy? Well, I would find out what he was talking about soon enough. His brakes began to fade, but my carbon-ceramics remained face-rippingly effective. I would be past him by this lap. As we rounded turn 11, I finally passed him.

I looked in the rearview to see him in a expression of horror and dejection. He slowed gradually to a stop near the start/finish line, and as I began to brake for the ever-so-slight turn 1, the GT-R went full Hindenburg. I slammed on the brakes, shut off the thundering V8, and jumped out of the Recaro. I now understood Doug’s frantic gesturing: the GT-R had committed seppuku.

I could feel the heat from the blazing wreckage of the R32 from almost a thousand feet away. When the fire crews finally extinguished the inferno, the extent of the damage could be seen. The roof had been folded back on itself as though someone had taken a giant can opener to it. The rubber of the tires was lost the the atmosphere and the wheels were melted to the asphalt. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a man. It was one of the drivers who was going in the second round. As the fire trucks cleared, he smiled and gave a nod of approval, then walked to his brown E34 M5 touring and drove away. In a moment of sudden clarity, I realized his identity.

It was that damn haircut. That was why I didn’t recognize him at first! Spinelli. Didn’t he know that he had just put the final nail in the coffin of his pride and joy? Without Doug, Jalopnik had lost its lifeblood. Or did he even care? Did he only care about Drive+ now? No matter. I would hunt him down. I put my hand on my holstered impact driver. Justice would be administered. Doug would be avenged. I climbed back in the Eldorado and sped off towards New York.

DISCUSSION (25)

71MGBGT Likes Subarus of Unusual Colors > deprecated account
11/28/2015 at 13:36

Kinja'd!!!

deprecated account > 71MGBGT Likes Subarus of Unusual Colors
11/28/2015 at 13:37

MFW I saw Spinelli’s haircut

911e46z06 > deprecated account
11/28/2015 at 14:03

Kinja'd!!!

deprecated account > 911e46z06
11/28/2015 at 14:09

It all depends on how you interpret it. You’re the one that has to answer that question.

Zyrtec just kicked in, yo > deprecated account
11/28/2015 at 15:15

Drugs are bad for you.

deprecated account > Zyrtec just kicked in, yo
11/28/2015 at 15:30

Not with that username you don't!

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > deprecated account
11/28/2015 at 18:09

Ummmm... What? Why? So many questions.

deprecated account > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap
11/28/2015 at 18:13

You think I know the answers or something? Just telling it as I saw it.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > deprecated account
11/28/2015 at 18:15

You passed him. You killed Doug

*DailyDrivesaDragon points while sobbing.

deprecated account > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap
11/28/2015 at 18:20

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > deprecated account
11/28/2015 at 18:28

YOU’RE WORKING FOR SPINELLI. You're not sorry at all.

deprecated account > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap
11/28/2015 at 18:38

FALSE AND FALSE

DOUG WAS MY HEROOOOOOOO

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > deprecated account
11/28/2015 at 18:40

THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS

deprecated account > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap
11/28/2015 at 18:46

FAIR ENOUGH

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > deprecated account
11/28/2015 at 18:49

Now the Eldo has to be burned.

deprecated account > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap
11/28/2015 at 18:51

nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!

but for real, tell me with a straight face that you wouldn’t hoon the shit outta that thing if it existed.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > deprecated account
11/28/2015 at 18:59

The world doesn’t deserve such a creature. It’s too much for mortals to handle. There is no fault in it. Therefore it must be sacrificed. Drain its blood over the sacred stones. Pull out its still beating heart.

Wait. We’re talking about cars? Well nevermind. Let me finish up this will and I'll be right over to drive it.

deprecated account > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap
11/28/2015 at 19:00

k, make sure to leave me all your spare head gaskets.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > deprecated account
11/28/2015 at 19:01

Nah. You're getting blinker fluid.

deprecated account > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap
11/28/2015 at 19:03

well, then... I was hoping for your digital tire gauge at the least. I see how it is.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > deprecated account
11/28/2015 at 19:04

I don't own a digital tire gauge. I like to live dangerously.